The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
June 1, 2020
Los Angeles, California
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 10 Gem 27
Moon 19 Aqu 06
Mercury 6 Gem 47
Venus 28 Ari 45
Mars 20 Pis 44
Standard time observed
GMT: 17:30:00 Time Zone: 8 hours West
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Sun in Gemini:
Gemini - Key Words: The Sinister and the Minister
"The flake on a mission, or the flake without a mission. Who is to say?" Gemini's are just their own kind of person. Now what is wrong with that I ask you? Gemini's may find their mark in life with the help of a seeing eye dog, then shoot the dog for knowing more than them.
You can always tell a bored Gemini by the disgusted look on their face while making love the same way, over and over again. The "recreational love making sign" is what we call Gemini natives, because they treat making love like a vacation. Why go away from home Gemini, when you can have it your way, any day? Love making is not enough by themselves, they must do it with their friends. That is to say he or she must be a friend to the Gemini. Yeah, that's it!
To say that Gemini natives are nervous is an understatement, as they must be busy doing at least 7 things all at the same time. They need that pressure and stress to keep them going, its like being high on Helium, ALL THE TIME!
The lungs and arms are the weakest bodily parts here, it's because of all of that blasted gesturing that they do as if they were bringing planes in for a landing on an aircraft carrier. Gemini people should get lots of sleep to heal that paranoid, weird and nervous behavior that is likely to arise without warning, scaring people to death! Gemini is the jokester who leaves humorous messages on your answering machine, never letting you know who it was that called in the first place.
The typical Gemini's mouth is like a "chattering teeth toy", you know what I mean, the teeth you wind up and put on the table and it goes on and on and on. There should be a subtitle on the side of the box of this toy that says "These used to belong to a Gemini". Gemini's have the capability of verbally cutting anything in front of their mouth like a knife through butter, with the same ease. No matter who they are, or how big the competition is! Sometimes they can get carried away a wee bit much though, but are they ever full of remorse afterwards? Never! As a matter of fact they find a good verbal thrashing much more satisfying than sex.
When Gemini people apply for a job, their job application may read like the Queen of England has applied in person, or perhaps the President of the US, with the possibility that everything on it (including their name) may be little white lies, or classic WHOPPERS. Gemini people are somewhat dishonest (at times) and a whole lot promiscuous (especially you ladies), and because of the duality of this sign, they can expect to be married more than once, spiritually or physically.
To say Gemini's are reluctant to grow up is really understated, because Gemini's have no intention of doing so. They are perfect just as they are, so why try to improve on perfection?
Gemini's can express love all day long, but it tends to be all in the head box, and not in the gear box. Gemini's can conceptualize love to the end of time, but putting it into practical form just ain't gonna happen. Why? Mainly because Gemini's are one of the mental signs of the zodiac and do not have the full emotional capacity of say an emotional sign like Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. Besides, if Gemini doesn't like the atmosphere around them or the person, they just change the scenery, mentally!
Gemini is another sign that also loves to rearrange furniture, so be careful when you come home late at night and jump into bed in this house, you might be in for an awful surprise. At the same time you may come home to the Gemini house and find strange workmen doing all kinds of things, without you even being informed about it, and it doesn't matter if the Gemini native lives there or not!
Children to Gemini's (after a certain point) take on the characteristics of Yard Apes, or Yard Gorillas. Who are these little people who intrude on precious Gemini time, and NERVES. A Gemini's idea of telling bedtime stories includes the Headless Horseman, Night Stalker, the Texas chain saw Massacre & The Shining. The kind of stories that keep kids from coming back for more, or ever bothering them again!
Gemini's hobbies are: Secrets, manipulating others, & fantasies of any kind. The Positive traits that Gemini's are known for include: Flirtation, unreliability, no restrictions, & no total commitments. After all, you have to leave some time for the gusto right?
Moon in Aquarius:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
An erratic and unstable nature exists for the person with the Moon in Aquarius. They are lovingly the eternal fruit loops of the universe, where many original thoughts can emerge if they can sort it out of the constant trash removal service that lives in their minds.
Cold feelings towards others can exist for the Moon in Aquarius person, because they can't understand their own emotional needs, much less the needs of others, hence they become a truly detached person emotionally. How can you relate to love or closeness to others if you are locked in the eternal darkness of your mind? This is the turmoil for the Moon in Aquarius person.
Moon in Aquarius's can be very selfish individuals, but they do it in a friendly way. People with their Moon in Aquarius can suffer from Arthritis later in life because they never learned to lighten up!
Moon in Aquarius people love and need challenges in love, such as crawling through a mine field to get to the center where a hundred naked love Gods or Goddesses are chanting their name in unison. What a rush! Moon in Aquarius people have one very disturbing and annoying habit however, they need to stop talking and making those stupid, forced and rehearsed sounds during sex. I'm willing to bet these are the people who dub those phony sound tracks on XXX videos.
Mercury in Gemini:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
With this placement, they should have been born a computer, as the mind just works, works, works. Find a way to shut it down and take a laxative break. No one should have to think this much. To be, or not to be! Who cares! Get the picture buckaroo? Overwork is gonna burn out the old porch light! Stop eating those el cheapo lunches just so you don't have to go out at lunch time. Eat real food!
The Gemini mind is always in an overactive state, and to see a Gemini filling out expense vouchers can be like reading Heckle and Jeckle, a comedy of errors. If they had as many arms as an octopus, they could do so much more. Think of all of the real big foul-ups they are capable of making!
Toys of all kinds are important to them, and when it is their turn to meet their maker, the score will be 1-0 in their favor for owning the most. Their phone bill is likely to be equal to a Mortgage payment, month after month, after month.
"I love sex, I can sit and think about it all day!", says Mercury in Gemini. They are the originators of talking during sex, and an example would be: " UW, that's nice, . . . so how was your day at the office?" Another example would be "Lets video tape our lovemaking so I can critique it later". This is the person who wakes up their partner and "asks them" if they want to make love. Take the initiative! Don't ask them, live out a fantasy!
Love making for them is yelling at the top of their lungs so that the neighbors can hear " Yes, I want to make love, now the whole world knows . . . and maybe they can watch too!
This placement is responsible for the phenomena known as phone sex. These are the people who call unsuspecting victims up on the phone and say "I want to . . . . "
Okay, Okay, tell me if you have heard this one: "What does a Gemini think about during love making?" "Everything!"
Venus in Aries:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
Self satisfaction at its best defines Venus in Aries. To further clarify, these natives don't have to share someones company to have a good time. They have the cunning of a vulture just waiting for the right unsuspecting target and without warning pounce on their prey. I would suggest that people with Venus in Aries might want to put themselves in the other peoples shoes, so that they can understand the impact they have on others, but all that these natives would be able to see is themselves in a different pair of shoes, and life would continue just as before.
In all of the running around that Venus in Aries does, they should try to find out what the ideal relationship is in the outside world, rather than looking in all of the wrong places. Right here the conversation ends, and Aries is off again.
Here is the typical Venus in Aries making up their mind, especially making a committment "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, well. . . . Yes, no, Yes, No
You can tell the person with Venus in Aries by how far they try to stick their tongue down your throat, while talking casually for the first time.
Mars in Pisces:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
Mars in Pisces is sweet, with all the goodness you could ask for unless you make them mad, they are then into revenge that only The Son of Sam (a fun loving murderer) could satisfy.
These natives are pretty quiet on the outside but this should be viewed as a warning in itself. Inwardly, the pot and the pressure cooker do boileth.
They are very sensitive and need someone gentle and tender like underdone meat. A relationship with the Scorpio of the species would be just too much and would smoke the tires off their mainframe. A much lighter touch does the trick here and if you happen to be sacrificing yourself at the same time, that's okay too!
For Mars in Pisces love takes place in the Masochistic state, half bondage, and half "Yes Master, Yes Master". Traditionally Mars in Pisces is said to be the prostitutes of the Zodiac, but it's not so . . ., you are just a little loose in the caboose!
Mars in Pisces people have the ability to have sex at or during a psychic fair or seance, feeling it was a great spiritual experience.