[Disclaimer: Rated NC-17
If you are looking for a romantic, lovey-dovey astrology report, you won’t find it within these pages. Please keep in mind all of the kinky, spirited and feisty remarks you will read are only intended in the spirit of fun, and are only suggestions for ways to play and perhaps challenge your boundaries. Feel free to happily ignore all wet and salacious remarks that do not apply.]

Herein lies the Gate to your Sexual Self
Its scent is musky and its feel is moist. Its song is sweet and trembling, feverish and blinding, dark and tormenting, frigid and cold. If you read things here that furrow your brow, causing a crease that looks remarkably like a little man in a boat, this is a sign from the gods that you are about to learn something momentous! Brace your buttocks in your chair! Should you not be in the mood to knock on the limbic door of your inner brain, quickly shut this report! No one need ever know…

Blaze!
“…Fire, I’ll teach you to burn…”, like the Arthur Brown song says. With lots of planets in fire signs in your chart (Aries, Sagittarius, and⁄or Leo), you have great enthusiasm for whatever the project is in front of you. So, if it is riding your partner into the sunset or sitting in the car at a red light with your hand down your pants, it is done with great gusto and enthusiasm! When the experience is over, you will move on happily to something else, with a bright red feather in your cap. Easily inspired and enthused, you can light the fire at a party and step back to enjoy the results with a proper self-centered glow.

Hedonistic!
You have a lot of planets in the earth signs in your chart (Virgo, Taurus, and⁄or Capricorn). Practical and loaded with common sense, and also with a heavy dusting of carnality, you revel in the senses. Sex is a voluptuous experience, like rolling in a mud puddle and getting slippery and wet and very lush. Foods, smells, and touch affect you deeply. While there may not be too much romanticism in your approach, your partner’s desires will not be wanting in the physical arena! You may tend to get stuck in ruts, and will need an imaginative partner to encourage you to try new positions or circumstances in the game of hot tamale sex.

Inquiring minds want to know!
You have a lot of planets in the air signs in your chart (Gemini, Libra, and⁄or Aquarius). With lots of air, you are a brainiac and your best sex will be in your mind. You have loads of ideas of ways to try different sexual adventures, and while some may be troublesome to implement, it’s the thought that counts! Phone sex or cyber sex may be more appealing to you than mundane, earthy intercourse, which can get a bit messy. Keep a thirsty hotel towel handy!

Eager to drench!
You have lots of planets in the water signs in your chart (Cancer, Scorpio, and⁄or Pisces). With lots of water, emotions color everything you do. You are constantly sniffing out the vibrations in a room, or around a person. You can feel your partner’s reactions and feelings quite well. This is very seductive. It can be a great boon, subtly shifting and moving according to the partner’s sexual needs. They will think you are a magician! It can also be a problem, as lots of water can be in-your-face and smothering, without boundaries. It’s like getting a cellular-level body wash with someone else’s bathwater. A little disconcerting! Have your partner tell you when to back off, and then do so graciously without pouting or making sullen remarks.

Your Scent is Perfectly Balanced and Aromatic.
You have planets evenly dispersed throughout the modalities. Fixed energy - steady, firm, regular - just like we wish our bowels would be; cardinal energy - self-starting, busy, pushy energy - too restless for real long term work, but great for enthusiasm and starting up; and mutable energy - flexible, adaptable, a real good worker bee. With these energies balanced in your chart, you are the perfect person. Everyone wants you! You have a nice balance of steadiness and solidity for long term relationships, enough aggression to pick up a hot, steamy piece of meat, and some nice flexibility for all those pretzel shapes and eccentric ideas a person may wish to investigate during a night of steamy lovemaking.

THE SIGN ON THE ASCENDANT: Your Animal Skin
The Ascendant in your chart, (otherwise known affectionately to this astrologer as “the Rising Sign”) is your own native animal skin you wear about your shoulders and through which you physically face the world. It is the sign that was spreading out its earthly influence all over the horizon, opening its legs and scenting you with its own musky peculiarities when you were born. This paints your personality with colorful symbols, richness and a certain vibratory chemistry.

Your Animal Skin is in Scorpio.
You are not what you seem! You trick everyone with the persona you project. As they eat out of your hand like a deer at a petting zoo, you, the hunter, are setting a trap. By the time they realize they are staring into the magical dark cave of a dragon with no exit, it is usually too late! You have scads of smoky, mysterious, and seductive power hidden away in little boxes in different parts of your body, which you may or may not be using at any given moment. Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to go as deep as you can sexually, until you discover your lover’s and your own vulnerable soul under all the scary hang ups. This Herculean chore needs to be done without spilling blood.

The Sun: That Radiating Warmth
You radiate heat, which warms up the birth chart where the Sun is placed like a honey-amber shaft of super-intelligence. It throbs and energizes everything it touches within the spectrum you call Yourself. To see how the Sun plays, fights and dances within the essence of You, look to the other planets and angles and the house where the Sun has taken up residence, to see what feverish and egocentric interactions are occurring in your baby cells.

When the energizing Sun powerfully connects (conjunctions), challenges (squares), and provokes (oppositions) the other planets, there is a tendency to energize the Sun in a vigorous manner so that your ego sits heavy and fat in the saddle. When the exuding Sun flows (trines) and supports (sextiles) the other planets, it gives warmth and confidence and a natural ebullience that can warm cold tootsies.

Your Warm, Radiating Sun is in Cancer
Your vital and energetic glow is nurturing and private. You engulf your lover with psychic wetness and complete absorption. Sex with you is like snorkeling in a warm bathtub with the lights out. Very womb-like and remarkably cozy! Once committed you give all your energy to your partner, and then some. You are the grande mother protector and lover, and at times may smother with the weight of your body on your lover’s face. If you have an understanding and patient partner, you will open your jade gate or point your lotus stalk with great sensuality and delectable, mouth-slurping passion. In fact, just thinking about sex with you causes a lover to squirm his or her fanny around in damp anticipation!

The Sun Exudes in the Ninth House
You are the sex researcher. You have interesting sexual bookmarks in your web browser of all the sex educational sites you have felt up. It pleases your groin area to forward delectable tidbits to choice friends who appreciate such titillating foreign concepts. Tantric love workshops with a lover is a suggested way to experience your mindful self, along with your lover’s musky, heady scent. Books of various erotic disciplines, travels to foreign lands to discover new and twisted sexual positions, experimenting with withholding orgasm, and also, experiencing celibacy as a controlled art, are all ways to use your sharp intellectual and exploratory energies and fingertips.

Your Sun flows (trines) with Jupiter’s Abundance
You have a big, generous heart, and are lovely and popular. People like being around you because they instinctively know you will sexually please them in a way that is just perfectly exquisite. Warm and smiling and full of love, you are Mom's apple pie, always hot from the oven. This trait is innate, thus you may take your gift for granted and become fat and indulgent, as you sit your booty on feather pillows and eat truffles, fingering your latest lover, in drooling, lazy lasciviousness.

Your Sun flows (trines) with Frosty, Plasmic Neptune
You are warm, smart, creative, artistic, and sympathetic. As such, everyone wants you in his or her bed to significantly warm it, and to taste your delicious slippery nectar that you offer up unselfishly. “Me, first!” they say, as they try to crowd each other out of the way! You smile benevolently, sharing your wares with all that ask. You can seduce anyone into bed, if you put your mind to it. It is done in a rather elegant and fluidly, magical way. You are a shapeshifter , shifting to be male, female, or animal beastie-thing (should you be able to stop daydreaming for a moment!). Thus, you can be any lover’s pinky dream come true.

Your Sun supports (sextiles) Simmering Pluto
You have the capabilities to express your power in a positive way. You have this bubbling nuclear-like powerful feel to you, and somehow manage to direct it in a way that benefits yourself and others. Sexually, you can take a lover deep into the heart and the genitalia at the same time, causing huge explosions of body and emotions, still emerging intact, renewed physically (though tossed about) on love’s shore. Dewy drops of salty (tasty!) sweat on you and your lover’s inner elbows are microcosms of your power. Lick them up!

The Moon: Feelings, Nurturance and Wetness
Wherever the Moon is placed like an oozing dew drop, is where feelings abound and sometimes run amuck. It’s also where you like to do what feels good to yourself, things that you certainly will do, whether alone or with a lover of great fortitude! When the Moon touches another planet it creates a swirling tropical cocktail of its own milky needs and is to be tasted and experienced with great gooey gusto.

When the Moon powerfully connects (conjunctions), provokes (oppositions), and challenges (squares) the other planets, this tends to give the Moon a more powerfully reactive state (much harder to control!). The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects are soft and dreamy, sometimes in a sweet, mellow way, other times in a lazy, indulgent and chubby way.

The Moon’s Emotions Undulate in Leo
With the Moon in Leo, you respond in a fiery and determined way to emotional situations. You are regal in your bearing and will throw a majestic hissy fit that will have all your family and friends bowing deeply to your personage, if you are not recognized and respected for the stupendous ray of illuminating light that you are. You are enthusiastic sexually and are game for some blustery and tempestuous romping around the four-poster bed. You have mastered the art of flirting down to a royal science, though often you use these flirting skills as only a teaser. Once in the boudoir, you frolic and play all night long, roaring or purring or scratching, as the case may be. When finished with your steamy sex games, insist your mate kneel at your feet and pay homage to your glorious bright being, impossibly drenched with light, sweat, and creamy gravy!

The Moon Soaks the Ninth House
With the Moon in the ninth house, your feelings are expansive and optimistic. Your search for Truth takes you into all sorts of musky, moist corners. What you find, you declare as “Truth!” and so it is, at least to you anyway. You are open and enthusiastic when it comes to sexual matters, and exploring different sexual philosophies or cultural views is very stimulating for you. Trying every position in the Kama Sutra may be an option for you, but don’t be too quick to jump to the next position. Go slow, Squanto! Finding the essential Truth of these various sexual philosophies won’t happen if you are too busy gathering and not experiencing the wet religious moment. Ask yourself if you feel the gods present. If you can answer that question with poignant awareness, you will have inadvertently stumbled into your Higher Self while in the throes of vibrating orgasms!

Your Moon powerfully connects (conjuncts) the Midheaven, your Reputation
Lots of folks know you, and love you. You beam radiance and everyone wants a piece of you, so they can pretend to be you, emulating the way you walk and talk and dress. You know this, and just exude happy charisma to one and all. Your lovers are available to service you, should you ever have the notion for this one or that one, and you’ve only to ring them up or email them, to have them pounding on the door! You then give them that supreme lovemaking you offer as a bonus for adoring you so! Watch those public hissy fits when you don’t get your way, nasty thing!

Your Moon provokes (opposes) Saturn’s Restriction
You tend to attract people into your life that are bossy, cold, or critical people. This may have started way back, when you were still walking around in soiled diapers. Your emotions are soft and pulsating. You endeavor to keep them hidden, because your feelings are wounded easily, like a baby kitten mewing for its mama. The real news is that all those critical or bossy folk in your life, are your projection of a hidden part of yourself you would rather not look at or feel. It is much safer to experience it second hand through somebody else. That way you can do a lot of bitching and complaining, and get away with it, with no one the wiser. Your exercise is to get and give spankings. This will help you get in touch with the energy and gain confidence and control. And when you are finished, you must powder and be powdered the now rosy red buttocks quite carefully, making sure it is spread evenly, everywhere.

Your Moon powerfully connects (conjuncts) the Sociable Karmic Nodes
Whether you are male or female, women or nurturing types will affect you dramatically, leading you down a Path you may or may not wish to go, but seem to be pushed that way and have no choice but to follow. Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual treasures await you, but you have to feel rattled and experience those watery emotions before you get the goods. Feeling your emotions rising up into your wattle ruffles you quite a bit, but this is where nourishment lies hidden. The point is to experience your feelings, so be a good adventurous soul and dive into the wetlands. Sexually, you can play with this energy by having a designated small intimate group of dear friends take care of you and your needs, in an healing sexual way. Just imagine, all those hands caressing your needy body! Then you can take your place in the group and let someone else have a turn. Post the sign-up sheet on your door. It should fill up rather quickly!

Mental Expression
Your mental expression articulates and gesticulates in the birth chart where Mercury is placed, like a mime in a leafy city park. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved with mischievous mental-case Mercury to see how you will experience your communications and thought processes.

The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to give Mercury’s quicksilver tendencies, a laser zap in consciousness. The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects are softer and more laid back, but they also speed the brainiac synaptic environment up to a nice clip!

Articulating Mercury flirts in Gemini
Mentally you think quickly and have an articulate way of speaking. Your thought processes move pretty quickly along your nerve fibers, snapping like an elastic band! You have an inborn intelligence that is smooth as silk. You can carry on very stimulating provocative conversations that are also very hip and trendy. The telephone can be a distinctive piece of erotic furniture for you, if used in the correct position. Sometimes, you can be lost in your own warbling conversation, your eyes periodically rolling into your head, as your mouth works it and works it. You can be impatient with those less endowed than yourself, only because you want to move on to other, more juicy thoughts, having grown bored with the current conversation. You can be talked into bed with a few lusty, nasty words that are laced with intelligent innuendoes, whispered in a vibrating manner into your sensitive ear hairs. Reading Anais Nin erotica and sharing the stories with your lover is recommended to try at least once!

Mercury’s Intercourse Reverberates in the Eighth House
With Mercury’s verbal intercourse echoing in your eighth house, you like to probe the depths with your sharp perceptive mind. Hundred foot long invisible feelers surge out of your head to tweak unsuspecting but fascinating guests in the most unorthodox areas! You have some sort of X-ray vision and can see underneath clothing if you try, and yes, we can feel it! When lovemaking you interact in a deep and exploratory manner with your partner, probing taboo and sensitive spots with your piercing and aggressive mind. You are not inclined to ask for permission to enter “restricted areas” because you feel since you can see in there, that is a pass to go on in. Uh, well, maybe and maybe not. You thrive on your lover’s vulnerability, but must make a special effort to show your own vulnerability if you wish to receive exquisite full body sexual satisfaction.

Your Mercury supports (sextiles) Delectable Venus
You have many opportunities to sweet talk a conversation, and can do this with the skill of a saint, much to the irritation of your more scatological friends. You are easy to be around, are agreeable and supportive and sometimes enable your friends, rather than practice that nasty confrontive style. You have an approachable sunny and cheery smile, and your lips have just the perfect amount of moisture clinging to them. This makes people think they can entice you into the sack, flat on your back, and that you would be most accommodating with any requests that they might suggest, as long as none of the dread “blue laws” are broken. You are a delectable sweetmeat!

Desire and Attraction
Your desire and attraction flower and sweat fragrantly through the birth chart where Venus is placed like a musky perfume. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in the Venus pheromonal love dance to see how you will experience your wants and needs, give affections, and gratify your most astounding self!

If you are a woman, Venus shows how you expose your femininity. If you are a man, where Venus is placed is the type that you are attracted to, the type that will make your wand stand at attention and perfection! Venus is also your “Inner Feminine”, waiting to be contacted and explored for healthy emotional balance. (Little secret: A man in contact and working with his inner feminine flower is like a man wearing a sarong or kilt - very charismatic and magnetic!)

When Venus powerfully connects (conjunctions), challenges (squares), or provokes (oppositions) the other planets, she tends to be more feisty and provoking, and has more liveliness to her sexy twitching tail. When Venus flows (trines) with and supports (sextiles) the other planets, she is very soft and creamy, indulgent and lazy. The Butter Queen!

Enticing Venus is in Leo
With Venus in Leo, male or female, you are delightfully easy on the eyes, in some sunny, inexplicable way. Creative sunlight beams out from various places on your body, giving it that ray-of-sunshine-bursting-through-the-clouds effect. When in love, you are affectionate and radiate joy at your partner and the surrounding world. Your desire nature burns fiery and ebullient, and you are openly expressive and passionate with the objects of your benign adoration. You expect the same adoration in return, and if you do not receive this, you will place your fierce lion jaws (and claws) about your lover’s neck until your lover responds accordingly. If they do respond, they’ll receive your great bounty of warmth and heat to light their nerve endings with scarlet fire.

Your Venus is frolicking in the Tenth House
With Venus swinging her hips in the tenth house, you show affection in a controlled and conservative way. You have a rather strong sex drive, though you do make an attempt to cover that fact up, often futilely. You make an effort to be private, and while that may work for awhile, eventually your sexual privacy becomes fodder for the gossip mill. Inevitably, the locals find out about your sexual expertise or lack thereof, who you are sleeping with, and what’s going on in the bedroom. The key here is to swagger, and put on a positive image. Show those gossips that you’re all that, and too bad they can’t have any of your luscious, bodacious body and luminous, quivering appendages. Examination of the bottom’s erogenous zone may prove to be an intriguing dot for you to explore.

Personal Power and Sex Drive
Your personal power and sex drive notifies you of its thrust through the birth chart where Mars is placed like a phallic prong. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved to see how you will experience the Mars’ battle of competition, assertion, along with the most favored rutting of champions!

If you are a man, Mars signifies your exuberant masculinity. If you are a woman, where Mars is placed is the type that you are attracted to, the type that will make your jade gate open, your flower bloom. Mars is also your “Inner Male”, waiting to be contacted and explored for healthy emotional balance. (Little secret: A woman in contact and working with her inner male cocky ya-ya is incredibly sexy and magnetic!)

The planets that powerfully connect (conjunctions), challenge (squares), and provoke (oppositions) Mars, make him strong-willed and self- oriented (unless paired with Neptune). Like Zena or Hercules, the warrior stands vigorously! The planets that flow (trines) and support (sextiles) tone down Mars’ gnashing teeth and manifest a more balanced and less rough use of these ambitious, squirting energies. This all depends on which planet chooses to combine with Mars and his sexual grapple to the pinnacle!

Mars’ Sexual Urge rises in Taurus
With Mars in Taurus, you express your sexual energy in a steady, lusty, beastie way. No problems here except for when to stop! Sensuous and into taste, touch and smell on the road to bedevilment, you like your surroundings to add layers of cream to the experience. You have a strong, unending sex drive, and if it isn’t expressed on a regular basis, you may have a tendency to get constipated, in more ways than the usual one, like creatively or mentally. You have great patience and can last a lovely long time, treating your lover to sensations and smells that cause every know fluid in their body to flow like pregnant waterways converging in the Delta of Lust.

Mars’ Sexual Urge beats in the Seventh House
With Mars in the seventh house, your sexual energy plays out in an assertive and open way with your partner. Though your relations really get your life juices running energetically, you are forceful and independent within the dynamics of interchange, and will not hesitate to give your partner what for, or pin them against the wall, your eyes gleaming oily in the light while they squirm and yelp. You will not hesitate to combine forces with your lover to come up with something really hot-blooded and damp! Sometimes, a bit of aggressiveness can be fun, perfect for getting your mind and body twitterpated! You insist on active participation from the partner - no dead bodies, please! You actually receive chi (life force) from your lover’s active sexual expression.

Your Mars challenges (squares) the Uranus Wiggle
You are the troublemaker extraordinaire. God forbid if you have nothing to do with your racing mind and fingers, your rattling energy immediately is diverted to the nearest object moving into your line of vision. Never content to sit still and stay focussed (unless it is something unbearably fascinating!), you start your projects, but always end up bursting out of your seat in a flurry, as a thought occurs to you about something else, which you must really go investigate! These planets together have huge energy that can move almost any obstacle in your path, but not without the development of self-awareness and self control. Sexually, if you haven’t had sex in awhile and someone comes along and touches you in the right place, you will easily explode under their hands, drenching them with your jism. (Secret: This could go on for some time too, if they discover where your secret “button” is located.) When you are done, you are done, though, and will move on. You have too much impatience for long and drawn out sexual proclivities and fetish-things; nevertheless, are very open-minded and do enjoy a good juicy dare!

Optimism and Abundance
Your optimism and abundance deliver the spiritual and material goods in the birth chart where Jupiter is placed like an overstuffed and magnanimous Titan, secret gifts of plenty spilling from his pockets, making a prodigious mess around his feet. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Jupiter’s broad-minded search for the sensual meaning of existence, to see how you will experience your own optimism and cell-expanding abundance (and also the twinkling light on your spiritual path).

Jupiter powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) the other planets tend to magnify Jupiter’s generous mood in an intoxicating, bloated manner. When Jupiter is flowing (trines) or supporting (sextiles) the other planets there is an excessive swelling as well, in a sweeter lazy way, like a nudge on a couch, eyes half-closed, mind pleasantly buzzing, stomach stuffed with burritos and beer.

Jupiter’s Abundance spills in Pisces
Your enthusiasm has an intuitive, fluctuating, imbuing spirit! The gift of Jupiter for you is growth through experiencing service with a smile. You are truly a servant to humanity and when done with grace, will bring great growth. Even though you don’t remember, you were taken into the Fairy hinterlands when you were a baby by the sprites and given the power to shapeshift. Sexually, you can become anything your lover wishes with such completeness and beauty that tears of joy will stream down their cheeks, to be joined by the other fluids in the fertile Delta of Venus or Mars.

Jupiter’s Optimism pours into the Fifth House
Inspiration expresses itself in you with a playful, open manner. Creative beings or children spring from your head with great regularity! You are the son or daughter of joy, and sex is its most wonderful when it is natural, receptive and open. It is a natural extension of your life, so if sex is peachy and in great abundance, you are usually grinning ear to ear and reeking high intensity pheromones with great gusto!

Your Jupiter flows (trines) with Frosty, Plasmic Neptune
Grande Master or Mistress of the ethers, you have been sent down here to inspire others. This requires a certain benevolent and spiritual self- sacrifice, but that’s okay. You are up for the task! Artistic, creative, and deeply mystical, spiritual vibrations wing their way through your beating cells, like a warm, tropical fragrant breeze. Adept at illusion, you can be caught in its web and lost there, lost in the Land that Time Forgot. A reality check with a grounded partner who exudes scads of common sense is a must! Sexually, warm your energy centers⁄chakras. Warm them until it feels like warm milk and honey is coursing through you and your lover’s cells, limbs, and loins. Cream will come out every orifice of your bodies, anointing you both in godly love and frosting.

Your Jupiter provokes (opposes) Simmering Pluto
A cauldron bubbles steamily deep in your cellular helixes, rumbling and a’tumbling, causing change or havoc in your life, depending on your perceptive. You attract transformative, vigorous partners into your life, also spiritual and excessive types, too. There are days that are god-like with power (which you crave), and other days that are ant-like with mind-excruciating lowly repetition. You are tough like beef jerky, expressing beliefs heartily, ready to lay waste to disagreeable blokes, should the need arise! You are used to being hurt, tumbled about, bones broken, boundaries sprayed every which way, but you still keep on trucking! Sexually, challenge your lover’s and your own sweetest taboos, just like Sade sings. Jump into them, even if you are cold with freaky sweat. This is where mythical god-like rushes will come from, so you must advance, like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom, looking out for booby traps designed to ensnare you and gobble you up. Look for the teeny tiny, wet core that pulsates, nuclear-like, waiting to be tapped and licked.

Patience and Persistence
Your patience and persistence plod ever onwards through the birth chart where Saturn is placed like a Big Daddy, stubbornly insisting on work and responsibility, the old curmudgeon! Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Saturn’s authoritative, restrictive policies to see how you will experience your need for discipline and manifest great endurance. This includes being mentally flogged occasionally - by yourself and others - so you get the message! (Don’t worry, it all works out in the end.)

The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to bust Saturn’s iron nuggets, (or yours!), causing frustration and tension but also making available great endurance and fortitude. The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects soften the frustration and tension, letting things work together rather well in a steady, productive and practical manner, giving a decent share of self-control to aid in the manifestation of sexual (and otherwise) successes.

Saturn ties you down in Aquarius
You respond to structure and limitation in a detached and stubborn way. Working with groups stimulates feelings of squirrelly insecurities in your gut, and which you wish to stiffly avoid. Nevertheless, you will be forced to work with gatherings of people or colleagues and learn to work well, too! It is the task at hand. You have some very cool and upbeat ideas that all could benefit by, so get cracking, mi amigo! You view restriction imposed upon you by your lover with a raised eyebrow, as if it does not include you. You are stubbornly detached and will not commit unless you can be free, which may be something of a dichotomy for your latch key lover.

Saturn has you under Fourth House Arrest
Responsibility and limitations express themselves in your home. A little early on in your life, you may not have had the best laid plans for starting out as strong individual (through no one’s particular fault but mostly circumstance), giving you a bit of an emotional buckle to your knobby knees. Hence, building inner strength has become an inevitable task for you to perform as soon as possible, so you can catch up with the rest of the crowd. (You don’t want to walk around in diapers your whole life, do you?) Your home life is sometimes a burden. There, you are demanding, and chores make sweat bead on your brow - look! - it’s blood! (Just kidding.) You expect quite a bit of leniency from your lover, because deep inside your baby needs feel neglected. Smile and laugh more when at home in your safe nest. Touch, give hugs, have someone serve or hand feed you food that is warm and delicious. Let go and melt.

Your Saturn challenges (squares) Frosty, Plasmic Neptune
You are a delicate little thingy under all that bluster. Secretly hiding feelings of insecurity, you make noises to distract the natives from seeing your hairy dimples, sometimes getting heavily depressed and constipated. When things get too stressful, you react by getting spacey and checking out from your body, free floating above it, getting lost in town, losing checks, forgetting appointments. The key to handling this slippery energy is to live in the present, a state that requires the ever present attention of your tweaking brain tissue. A difficult task, it is like staying coherent and clear while passing through a hall of undulating mirrors. (Freak show!) To channel this energy, have your lover tie you down so you stay put, using cinnamon oil to keep you in your body, while they proceed to ground you in a delightfully wet and sexual way. If there is no lover around, practice balancing naked on one of those big blue gym balls, while you stare into your eyes in the mirror. Then try one leg. When you have become a master of this technique, you will have the skill it takes to live in the endless, timeless moment.

Individuality and Independence
There is a natural life energy that is sexual and lies coiled and resting at the base of the spine. This is called Kundalini. Some astrologers believe the planet Uranus is representative of this energy. When Kundalini is triggered gently (or forcefully), it flows up your spinal cord, through the chakras or energy centers and meridians, unless blocked. Briefly, when blocked, it can cause disease and⁄or physical, emotional, mental or spiritual problems.

Kundalini and Uranian energy is a sexual, creative, electromagnetic synaptic energy that keeps our electrons twisting and sacredly dancing the night away! It has an abstract, far out influence that is filled with spontaneous genius and creates a big sky mind (expansive). It deserves to be cleaned vigorously and grounded on a regular basis so our eyes are lit from within…

Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets that are electrified in aspect by Uranus. The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to create a hyper-wiggling or nervy energy that is hard to contain and needs lots of freedom to exist in its space. The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects intertwine together better, but still create a Uranian current that pulsates the airwaves and your nervous system, zapping consciousness with overflowing, lightening intelligence.

Your Uranus Swings in Leo!
Your generation’s sexual kundalini energy is powerful and bright, like a cop’s heavy flashlight directed into your eyes. Blinding when you aren’t ready! Your spinal cord, once grounded and triggered gently, can create a powerful sense of inner expansiveness, and also a personal intimate awareness and exquisite touch with the Higher Self. You need large amounts of sunlight for continuous stimulation and good health. View the Northern Lights if you can! At the very least, take a lot of walks outside on sunny days, “Sacred Sun walks” as the intention. Find a large, warm flat rock in a secret place, in the sun. Lie on it naked and show Mr. Sun how pretty your genitals are and how wondrous they work!

Uranus is taking liberties in your Tenth House!
Independence, eccentricities, and sudden change exhibit themselves in your public persona, your reputation. Your mind is genius, eccentric, and wiggly! Everyone can see that just by looking at you! You are known for your original performance, ants-in-your-pants movements and possible sexual proclivities, whether they are true or not, is of no concern. Kundalini exercise: Fast for 3 days, drinking only vegetable juice and water. Have your partner restrain your arms above your head and blindfold you. Make sure you are standing up. Focus all that tremendous energy that you cannot express on your heart area, coloring it with warm orange light, while your partner manipulates and teases you lushly, long into the night, causing big, fat tears to roll down your blushing cheeks. This is the time when your mind expands open to the next frontier. This is what quantum leaps are all about!

Creativity and Illusion
Your creativity and illusion exude forth through the birth chart where Neptune is placed, like a vibrational bath with oily colors fluctuating and shifting over the surface. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Neptune’s weeping rainbow of inspiration and foolishness, to see how you will experience your creativity and illusion. Musical, mystical and dancerly, Neptune escapes the reality of this world in many ways, including sleepiness, drugs, and instants of insanity and autism.

The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to diffuse and confuse (read: denial) normal planetary energy patterns, though they do give extraordinary shots of colorful, mystical and creative experiences! The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects are deceptive and hypnotizing, in a lazy, glazed, but inspiring way. Neptune does not respond to the usual practical applications the other planets do. Neptune does respond to (and loves!) warm, energetic work on the body (which can be done through chakra⁄energy center work), creative endeavors (ah, music!), and mystical experiences, which are excellent channels for it’s very magical and sweetly psychotic vibrations.

Neptune’s Beguiling Bubble is in Scorpio
Your generation’s sexual idealism and sexual receptivity is deep and profoundly moved by the sexual experience in a usually foolish mystical way that has no basis in reality, but you are the last to find out! Still, the spiritual-sexual opportunity is there, like the lingering scent of a lily. Be careful whom you exchange bodily fluids with, the essence stays with you for a long, long time, sometimes festering in a rather yucky way. You approach your wildly creative dreams in a controlling and manipulative way, but must learn to let go of them so that full sexual gratification can occur.

Neptune’s Silvery Whistles are heard in your First House
Sexual fantasies and idealization play themselves out in your own self, in your body. Susceptible to the environment and others’ muck, you absorb all sorts of goodies that others put out, stinky things or lovely drinkable goodies! A rainbow jellyfish that can take any shape it wants, you fool yourself and others in this shifting process, always juicily creative and a little freaky, too. You are your own perfect idea of a dream lover! Look in the mirror and lick it. Every person’s sexual dream mate, you shift and fluctuate, accommodating your lover and falling into dimensions where the exits are somewhat difficult to distinguish. Beware of becoming someone else’s sexual porn movie and losing your own sense of sexual self.

Your Neptune powerfully connects (conjuncts) with the Ascendant, your Animal Skin
You can pull the wool over anyone’s eyes you are so savvy with illusion, and that includes yourself, poor impressionable child that you are. Secretly you are a hypnotist, but sometimes you do not know about this intriguing gift you have, preferring instead to be moody and disillusioned, rejecting others overtures. Other times you are so very charming, and can con your way out of or into just about any conceivable situation, or pair of panties (as the case may be), not that you’d admit this to anyone, including yourself! It’s hard to catch you, because you are like a will-o’-the-wisp, there, but not. As such, you are great for creating sexual situations that are a lover’s dream come true. The only problem is, after you leave, the illusion disappears, and your lover will wonder if what just happened was real, as images start to splinter away, fading like watercolors running into each other. Remember “A Midsummer’s Night Dream” and Queen Titania had such delightful sex with her donkey-man?

Your Neptune supports (sextiles) Simmering Pluto
A generational aspect that goes on for a trillion years (just kidding), it operates in the background unnoticed unless it touches a sensitive genitalia point on your lovely, pulsating body. At that point, you would feel certain effects taking place at a deep inner core, where a huge light-filled quilting bee is taking place, amongst the spirits and guides that hang out with you. No one will notice these happenings, maybe not even you, especially if you are doused heavily with food, alcohol or drugs (you know, the normal human condition). This miniature, magical Mardi Gras is actually occurring in your DNA, in the spiraling helixes of the gods. There, the helixes twist and turn to a vibrational song humans cannot normally hear; creating new, unbelievable strands that signify outstanding cosmic perceptions undiscovered by little dweeby men in their white, flapping lab coats. Short (or long) periods of autism or insanity manifest, and then, should your consciousness survive intact, evolution takes place with a soft, unnoticeable, undulating pop.

Your Neptune challenges (squares) the Sociable Karmic Nodes
Strange, disturbing connections occur in your life. These connections can be of a psychic nature, with all sorts of evil or foolish mind-probing going on, and you are at its mercy, squirming like a bug on a pin. Or perhaps it is you who has another pinned, as you prick and probe. Deception can easily occur in the people you meet. You continually misinterpret motives and end up in a bent over position one too many times for your taste! Or perhaps you are the one placing others in your lap misrepresenting yourself so you can sneak a peak or steal a bite, all without correct permission. Head cases may wander in circles around you as they think you are the god or goddess of Prozac. Spiritual, highly creative or mystical connections are also available, and you should encourage these, as it is your destiny calling to you in the form of gifted people. It would be best if you stayed away from goopy things like tons of food, drugs and alcohol, and instead focussed on energetics, developing your powerful energy centers⁄chakras so they snap, crackle and pop. After that, sexually, the most wondrous of juicy unions then becomes whole body, whole cell, whole everything, and not just centered in your wee crotch (which is an irritating thing, despite the little bang you get). When one has literally experienced the Cosmos in one’s lover, going back to the old way guarantees a monster headache!

Pluto: The Ultimate Orgasm, That Old Black Magic
Transformation and change rumble forth through the birth chart where Pluto seethes like a nuclear vault. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Pluto’s scalding cauldron of death and birth, to see how you will experience transformation and change and test your boundaries. Pluto experiences can be painful because of the change and truth involved, yet Pluto is really your Secret Santa. Look for his gifts when the smoky, sulfuric air has cleared. Look under rocks, in between legs, and where the raven flies.

The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend fester and then spew forth in a powerful, controlling manner when in Pluto’s scaly arms. The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects soften and smooth Pluto’s continuous, controlling hold. Pluto wants your vulnerability. He also wants you to let go of that which you compulsively grip most deeply. Your primal scream will be heard throughout the galaxy when you finally do…

Pluto Rumbles in Virgo
Your generation’s sexual transformation will come about through intense, holistic healing of the mind-body-soul, with great awareness of the moment and cellular wholeness. Anything that brings you sharply into focus of the hear-and-now in an almost painfully pleasing way is a particularly provocative approach to get at those sexual fears and blockages faster than a speeding bullet! Sacred approach to sexuality is a major vibrational key for you.

Pluto is Seething within your Eleventh House
Sexual power games and transformation take place in your choice of friends and colleagues and large groups. Friends or colleagues can be powerful, dark, manipulative, violent, sarcastic, mean, or spiritually stunning! They will surely change you, over and over; and you will surely change them, over and over. All have something to teach you about power over and power under, through experiences on and off the damp, stained mattress of love and lust. It is your friends that teach you about your own power, by positively or negatively using you. And you teach your friends by positively or negatively using them. In the end, sexual healing properties emerge, to be used in several astounding ways!

The End and The Beginning
Well, you’re all done now! And how do you feel? Why don’t you do a spot check? First, check your breathing rate. It should be relaxed and very warm. How does your brain feel? Is it a bit tweaked? How about your beating heart? Put your hand there for a moment and make it warm with your mind. Do your armpits smell musky, like pine? What’s going on in your shady nether regions?

Now go pour all the rosy red love in your heart into someone else’s heart area for five minutes, at least once a day. Keep it a secret - no telling! A stranger or a friend - pick one. Do it as a visualization and then forget about it. Do it for a month and watch how your body and your life heat up dramatically and sweetly, overflowing like a frothy rosy wave. You will be licking your lips happily all the merry day and your eyes will shine with otherworldly light. People will want to touch you and you will want to touch others…